


the world is changing right before your eyes

by wethethousands (atlantisairlock)



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: Experimental Style, F/F, Heavy Angst, Loss, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 17:12:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5594266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlantisairlock/pseuds/wethethousands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>here's the thing about being a cop -</p>
            </blockquote>





	the world is changing right before your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> this is how i chose to ring in the new year, by writing angsty rizzles fanfic i came up with in the bath. truly stellar life choices.
> 
> title from 'love will keep us alive' by the eagles.

here's the thing about being a cop -

you've been prepared to die in the line of duty since you first stepped onto the street

you've got all your affairs in order

you've drawn up your will

tommy gets the apartment

frankie gets the car

mom and dad get everything else

your locker is tidy 

the paperwork is organised

and you go out there with your badge and and your gun

and you think

_if this is the day i die_

_i'm ready_

 

 

The first time you go out for dinner with your squad at the precinct, your captain, grizzled and greying, lifts his glass of scotch at you and asks,  _hey, Rizzoli, you prepared to die on the job?_

You're younger then, smoother around the edges, and you don't have a world of weight sitting on your shoulders, so you push them back with a cocky smirk and you say  _yeah, I think I am._

Your squad laughs, but it's not an unkind sound, and your captain claps you soundly on the arm. _First lesson, detective - you're never really ready for it._

 

and you don't believe him

you never have

it's been so many years and 

you've kept yourself so well prepared

so ready to go out in a blaze of glory if you need to 

so why is it that when your feet are pounding the pavement as you chase your perp down the crowded city streets 

why is it that when he pulls his gun 

why is it that when it goes off and it feels like a fifty pound weight slams into your chest and something claws at your ribs and gores a valley into your gut and the world tilts upwards and everything is on fire 

why is it that the first thing you think 

is  _oh_

_so that's what he meant_

 

 

you have a grocery list sitting on the coffee table at home

you have a half-opened bottle of wine and a slice of leftover pizza in the fridge

you have backlogged paperwork from that case two weeks ago

you have to buy your mother a new blender

you have to plan tommy's birthday celebration with frankie

you haven't done enough

you haven't done so many things

you haven't 

and you say her name with a ragged breath, with one hand resting over your heart, your fingers stained with blood

_you haven't told maura you love her_

 

 

Which is, for all intents and purposes, a lie, because both of you toss it around like a beanbag, those words that carry more weight when they aren't said so much as felt. 

 _Love you, bye,_ you call over your shoulder when you leave HQ to chase a lead.

 _Love you, stay safe,_ she says when you part ways after dinner, punctuated by a feather-light kiss on the cheek. 

You both say it with your hands and your smiles and your eyes, and Jane of twenty-four hours ago would have thought that was enough, but now - 

 

 

now you are dying and you haven't told maura you love her

and you do

you love her so much

you look at her and you see the sun

you'd cross every ocean for her 

you would defend her to your last breath

and you can hear her now, it's so dark and fuzzy and everything is so loud but you can hear her voice

and she's saying your name

and you can hear her crying

and something swells and crests within you, she's not supposed to be crying, you're supposed to protect her, but you can't shape your lips around her name

_maura_

she can't hear you

she's holding your hand 

she's static on a tv screen

you can't see her anymore

you said you'd never abandon her

you said you'd always be there with her

the panic tightens like a noose around your throat 

you're out here with your badge and your gun

this is the day you die

_i'm not ready_

_god no_

_please_

_i don't want to leave her_

_i love her_

_i never really said it but i do_

_i love her_

_maura_

_i'm sorry_

_please_

the captain's voice booms in your ear 

_first lesson, detective -_

_you're never really ready for it._

 

 

here's what you don't know - 

she picks up the pieces of your life after you're gone, stitches them together with painstaking grace

she helps gut your apartment and clean your locker and reorganise your desk

she gets your phone

she lays you to rest alongside your family

when they leave she stays

when they leave she stays

when they leave she stays 

like she always has 

she presses a kiss to your headstone

she whispers

_i still do_

 

 

here's what you know -

you're sorry

you didn't want to leave her behind

\- more than anything or anyone else in the world 

\- till death do you part and after that

\- in every conceivable universe beyond this one 

you love her.

 

 

here's what you don't -

she loves you too.

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i know next to nothing about america and how all the cop stuff works there and things... also i've watched like two episodes of rizzoli & isles maybe so if it's ooc and everything im sorry.


End file.
